Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

A Living Paradox

With school out, I have found myself often reflecting on my life about a lot of things. In the end, I always come up with something I want to do about my life.

Ex: Throughout my stay in college, I have never been active in any organization so I realized that I should probably change that.

But I am met with contradictions after my initial decision. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on these.

1. Extracurricular activities

As I said, I was never active in any organization because I’m generally uncomfortable with meeting and working with other people. Then it occurred to me. How am I going to survive in the outside world if I don’t have any experience of working with other people?

In our university, it’s not really required that we become active in an organization but I feel like I really need to be in one so that I’d have experience. Currently, you can say that I’m leaning towards ‘Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll find an organization that suits my interest’.

But then something else came to my mind

A friend once said: “These organizations never really work, you know. Why? Because there’s no diversity. You’re all the same people in one organizations. Students. Where’s the diversity in that?”

2. Driving

Every now and then, my dad ihas been asking me when I will start driving. I could only come up with ‘I really don’t know’ because of my fear of driving.

Actually, I’ve already gone to driving school so I already know how to drive but the fear persists. Every time I handle the steering wheel, I feel like I’m putting one foot in the grave. I say this because I’m generally clumsy. I can make mistakes in situations where you won’t expect anything to go wrong. When I’m the one driving, I become so anxious that I sometimes step on the gas, instead of the brakes.

Cue in the contradiction. But hey, I’m a Psych major. I know how to address this phobia of mine (direct exposure, challenge negative thoughts). And besides, I would really need to drive when I find myself a job.

3. Ties with certain people

There are some people I want to forget because of painful memories associated with them. When I’m alone, I deliberate for a long time and eventually decide that it’s probably a good idea if I create some distance (since it can be mentally exhausting if the same mistakes are done to you over and over) between me and the affected person/people.

For some time, I am able to do this until I am confronted about the issue. Pride is lowered, the other side explains and apologies are said. That’s when I begin to crumble. I now find myself rethinking everything. Am I really going to forgive this person after committing the same mistake over and over? Am I going to save our relationship and forget what was done? Am I going to take the risk and face the possibility of getting hurt again?

These questions usually run inside my head for quite some time. The person is valuable to me and I would definitely love to have more memories with the person since not all of the memories are bad. On the other hand, I also have to think for myself and be logical. Yes, the person is valuable but this is the same person who has never seemed to learn from previous experiences. If I don’t sever our ties, we would all be going through the same cycle again and again. We’re friends for several weeks, we fight, we don’t talk for a week and then one decides to approach the other person. Repeat.

These are just some of the things I’ve been reflecting on. I’d love to tell you about the rest but I think I’m being redundant. For each subject matter, it’s basically just this: 1. Reflect on it. 2. Determine the problem. 3. Come up with a solution. 4. A contradiction arises.

I hate this. Sometimes, I wish I were impulsive so that I wouldn’t have to feel as if I’m in the middle of everything. It’s like the feeling when your parents, who are getting a divorce, ask you who you will go with. Will you go with your mother? Or with your father? Eventually, I’m gonna have to decide what I want to do next but I’m not so sure when I’ll be able to decide. It’s quite difficult balancing the pros and cons of each decision.

Okay, I think i have to stop now. Obviously, I’ve done nothing but rant and I think this post is going nowhere as I’m obviously confused and in need of more time to decide. Anyway, thank you for reading/listening.

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