Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

Abience

Abience

They say that you should always take opportunities to meet and get to know other people who come in to your life. Personally, I would have to agree with them even if I really want to say the opposite. People, even if they say they are isolated or disconnected, are social creatures. They can sever their ties from other people but the time will eventually come when they’re gonna have to come out of their shells. No man is an island, after all.

I’m not exactly an outgoing and very social person. If you would judge me just by looking, I think you’d be able to come up with several adjectives which pertain to negative characteristics. I’ve heard a lot actually. Looks unapproachable, snobbish, aloof, cold, distant, bitchy, grumpy. I can’t blame other people for saying that because my default facial expression does seem to portray those characteristics. But these aren’t my traits. If you talk to me, I think you’ll soon see that I’m a very caring person (though I may not show it in the most obvious ways) and quite talkative for a shy person. Once you know me, I tend to open up about the most random topics (from the weather to the philosophical topics).

*The next paragraph will describe my relationship with new people in the past few weeks since I don’t always have urges to withdraw from other people*

For a short time, it’s gonna seem as if I’m developing my friendship with a person. We spend some time and share different kinds of stories with each other. Then abience comes along bearing gifts aka painful memories. They usually arrive when I’m alone in my bedroom lying around and doing nothing. As I’m evaluating my relationships with new people, painful memories such as losing my high school best friend, being an outsider for a whole year, being bullied and those involving people who leave and never return come back to haunt me. When these come back, I sit back and come up with seemingly pessimistic conclusions in life. That’s when I begin to feel as if I have to make a very important decision. What do I do with our friendship? Do I risk it or do I quit while it’s still early?

I’m very tempted to give in to abience. I have been hurt repeatedly by the people whom I treasure dearly. Some people left me and never came back, some people treated me as a friend and then as an outsider later on, some people got into arguments with me and our friendship was never the same after. All these experiences hurt so much and I never want to experience those again from the ones I cherish. If you think of it, these can happen to me and new friends and future friends as well. Well, if that’s gonna happen, might as well get out while I still can before I get hurt all over again. So there. You now know why I have the urge to withdraw from people.

Besides, nothing in life is permanent anyway. These people will eventually evaporate when I get to the outside world. We’ll all eventually have different paths to take and we’ll soon forget each other in a few years. Why not do it now so I can have a lower count of friendships that just died/failed? It will also save me the pain of just losing these people.

However, there’s also a part of me who wants to try and risk it since all friendships begin from scratch. I want my social network to grow and I know backing out easily isn’t the way to do it. My friendship with those I’ve known for years was the result of continuous interactions. If I want friendships to mature real quick, then maybe something is wrong with my perception of how friendships evolve.

But I’m scared. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I say the wrong things? What if they discover my flaws like my insecurities and anger issues? What if they won’t accept me?

And now we go back to the million dollar question: Should I go for it or not?

I’m not so sure myself. 😦 Think you guys can offer me some advice?

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