Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

Jaded

jadedThat’s the one word that can accurately describe how I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. I’m not quite sure where this came from but I have a feeling it was a result of several negative experiences (like having your things stolen by a loved one. I’ll talk about this in a future post). Today, I was supposed to watch Mission Impossible with my mom, my aunt and my cousins but I decided to stay at home since I woke up today with a heavy feeling.

Well, we were out yesterday from three in the afternoon until eleven in the evening so I guess you can say I’m probably just tired from yesterday’s activities. But I am pretty sure that’s not it because this has been going on for the past few weeks.

Today, however, was different from the other days. Today I felt extremely tired and listless. My sleep last night was restless and disturbed. I kept waking up feeling as if my body was hot when I didn’t really have a fever. My lower back was unusually painful. My throat was sore from the cold drinks I had so swallowing was laborious. My eyes were also a bit painful whenever I would try to go back to sleep. In the end, I felt as if I had no sleep at all.

It was much worse in the day. The first struggle was to get out of bed. My legs felt as if they were made of cement whenever I would try to rise from bed. I could not do anything but huddle under the sheets for one hour while moaning from the pain in my lower back and throat.

Later my mom would remind me about today’s plans. I guess it worked because I found myself getting up from bed…..and regretting it after. As soon as I got up, I felt nauseated. I had to pause for a few seconds because of a splitting headache.

The second struggle of the day came as I was about to eat breakfast. I was already going down the stairs when I saw one of my cousins and her boyfriend sitting at the sofa. Their eyes were fixed on their phones as I went down. I can only assume that they were there because they wanted to use our wifi (we have a weak wifi).

O-kaaaay, I guess I won’t eat breakfast, I thought as I entered the library.

So yeah. I didn’t eat breakfast anymore because I wanted to eat alone and I didn’t want them to see me eating. I was hoping that I would have some alone time while I ate and occupied myself with different thoughts. Guess not.

For the rest of the day, I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was not in the mood to do anything but to lie around. Even eating was a bit of hard work for me. Every bite felt forced and rushed. I was only eating because I didn’t want to be hungry later. On a normal day, I would savor every bite of my meal. Today was not one of those days.

Everyone soon left after lunch and it was just me and my sister. We were staying in my parents’ room as my sister slept. I, on the other hand, was busy looking for the two H.P. Lovecraft books I bought from the bookstore. I could not find them after searching in every possible place. I even called my mom to ask where she placed them. Apparently she just placed them below a table where most books were placed. It wasn’t there and now I could not find the books.

I gave up searching after half an hour. My mood had turned sour then. I was pissed because of my mom again. Lately she has been the source of my annoyance. From dragging me to a different country WITHOUT my knowledge (I would only find out after she bought my ticket) about this. Honestly it feels as my life is no longer mine anymore.

To cope with what’s happened, I decided to take an afternoon nap because my eyelids were getting heavy, my lower back and joints were aching and my headache was coming back.

And now I’m here. I’m currently listening to songs by Lighthouse Family while typing. I’m still tired and bored. The pain in my eyes is gone but I’m still experiencing pain from my lower back, my joints and my head which has made me more tired than ever. Actually our helper just called me to inform that dinner is ready. I can immediately tell that we’re having chicken curry just by the smell. However, I don’t feel like eating yet. All I really want to do now is to get rid of all the pain, especially in my lower back.

But I don’t know how as I’m currently in a free fall.

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