Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

A Precarious State

Frustration-Eats-Pencil2Hi. It’s me again after a few months of being inactive. Before anything else, allow me to tell you about what happened since my last blog post.

The past three months have been tough. Because of the number of units I am taking for the semester, I had to let go of certain activities such as exercising and going out at night to have a snack at my favorite shop. I have come to realize that literally every second counts in finishing my requirements for school because the duration of my rest rests solely on how soon I finish them. Really, it shouldn’t be a big deal to most students but I’m in a really unique scenario as evidenced by my extreme schedule. My early dismissals during Mondays and Fridays could have been used to catch up on sleep but I often found myself getting to work as soon as I got home. Often. Often because there have been times when I have been swayed to do otherwise. In those moments, I frequently found myself giving in…..and eventually paying the consequences.

The simplest distractions can have the greatest consequences. If you take a nap, chances are you’ll find yourself staying in bed for several hours. This is especially the case if you’re not the type who can easily control your own desires. In my case, I underestimated the difficulty of a certain requirement. Because of this, I figured that I could sleep for a few hours and then work on it as soon as I got up. That was costly because I often found myself going back to sleep and saying in my mind “I’ll get up in 20 minutes”. When I did get up, there wasn’t much time left for me to do the requirement given that I needed enough sleep for my 7:30am class the next day.

I wasn’t the only one affected by this development. Everyone else staying in the house was affected mostly because of my change in personality brought about by the stress from the workload. My patience was always running thin for the shortcomings of my house helpers. Aside from that, I was also easily irritable at the slightest noise that could easily distract me. This, in particular, was mostly seen in the way I interacted with my special child sister because she has been creating a lot of noise in the wee hours, easily arousing me due to the fact that I am a light sleeper. Another change I noticed upon reflection is that I became distant. I was always itching to get away from everyone and avoid talking about my life because there were really moments wherein talking was too taxing for me to do. I really had nothing else in my mind but to work and work and work so I could finish early and get to sleep.

Fast forward to the present time.

I’m currently on a break due to the APEC week which means I have up to a week to rest and catch up on sleep. My break actually began last Tuesday and I haven’t been really resting and catching up on sleep. The truth is that I have been busy working on different requirements such as lesson plans, proposals for my thesis and epidemiology class and a paper for philosophy class. I feel like I need to do this because I’m really anxious about future requirements suddenly appearing out of nowhere. If I procrastinate, I may face the consequences by having to work with so many requirements piled on top of each other. That’s what I’m trying to avoid hence the need to work during the break.

However, it’s not very easy for me because coupled with this are the long list of frustrations I’m continuously encountering with everyone. I have been expecting these people to understand because it’s not easy to have a schedule that makes you skip a meal. It’s also not easy coming home tired on Tuesdays and Thursdays with the urge to collapse in bed. I’m not going to list everything and everyone that has me frustrated but I will name several people who have me frustrated.

My parents have been continuously nagging me. My mother has always been asking me to play her games for a certain app in her iPhone. At first, I figured it was okay because a few minutes won’t hurt after all. However, this became a regular basis and she was always asking me at the most random times. I can still remember the time when she asked me to play her games when I was sleeping after finishing every requirement for the next day. That really pissed me off because I am almost always exhausted and being interrupted from a slumber certainly won’t help fix that. Don’t get me wrong on this part. I really don’t mind playing her games. It’s just that if you can see that one is tired, then please PLEASE leave the person alone to recover from the day’s events. That’s all.

My dad, on the other hand, is an entirely different example. He’s always complaining that I’m not really doing my requirements and that I just don’t want to spend time with them. This he says because he always sees me on Facebook. Wow, how old fashioned can my dad get? I think it’s about time someone told him that Facebook isn’t always for leisure and pleasure. It’s where professors post announcements regarding classes, where we get to see the required readings, where I talk to my classmates for group requirements. In general, it’s where we work nowadays.

As a last example, I’ll talk about my sister. Nothing’s really changed, you know. She’s still one of my main sources of additional stress and I am so close to losing it because I can never have a heavy slumber with her in the same room which is like every night. At around 2-3 in the morning, I would hear her noise and I would often find it difficult to sleep. The result? Me looking like a complete mess the following morning due to lack of sleep.

I’m sorry. This is slowly becoming a rant post but I can’t help but feel annoyed. Would I really slack off knowing the fact that I am taking a lot of units this semester? Would I really do that especially now that I am senior who needs to pass all these units just to graduate on time? Of course not!

So there. That’s how my life has been. Endless frustrations. As of now, I can’t really do much but to hang on as I am down to the last four weeks of the semester. But a lot could still happen in a span of four weeks. For now, I can only hope things don’t get worse because I really feel as if I’m bound to break down anytime soon.

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