Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

Crack

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Earlier today I was asked to answer a series of questions which tackled on my mental health. The questions had to be answered on a piece of paper which would be looked at by a physician. When I handed over my answers, my physician was quite surprised with my answer on the first question.

The question read, Are you happy with how your life has been going in general?

Beside it were three choices: Yes, Sometimes and No. I happened to encircle No.

Honestly I was surprised as well. I really don’t recall reading such a question. In my mind back then, that “No” was an answer to a different question. However, that wasn’t the case. On paper, it appeared that I was not at all happy with my life but that is not the thing that surprised me because it is true that I’m really not happy with my life right now. What surprised me is that the answer seemed to have magically come out of nowhere. Again I really don’t remember going through this particular question so it only came as a surprise to me when I saw my physician’s reaction.

So what did I do? Well I didn’t want to lie to myself but I didn’t want to be completely honest either so I ended up saying some factors that contributed to my current state. I mentioned the factors that I was quite willing to share with to my close friends. The other factors (the more internal ones) I chose not to disclose because I didn’t want to reveal myself completely. What for anyway if this whole process is just a screening process that would determine whether I can attend a particular program designed for one of my classes.

This incident really got me thinking a lot and this is what I came up with:

Something deeply embedded into my unconscious self could be trying to make its way into my conscious self. For years I have suppressed all kinds of emotions including happiness, sadness, love, despair, fear and grief which is why I tend to appear blank on the outside. I fear that my unconscious has had enough of all these suppressed emotions so it’s trying to give a signal to the outside world about what really is going inside my head. It’s like my unconscious is taking over and it has begun to cry and plead for help because my conscious self has seemingly become numb from enduring pain after pain after pain.

I do not like to appear as weak and vulnerable but I cannot entirely ignore this theory because I came up with that theory with the help of the knowledge I have with my major subjects. You cannot deny facts because the presence of facts makes the reality we live in easier to accept. This theory is the result of several psychological facts that were all combined to come up with a bigger picture that could explain what is happening to me right now.

Studying Psychology has not only led me to a deeper understanding of people, but it has also led me to a deeper understanding of the self. I’m not saying that this is really true since  it only came from a theory and as such can be proven otherwise. However, there is still the possibility that what I am saying is indeed what is happening to my unconscious right now.

I guess the issue for me now is how I will be able to handle and cope with all these. Truth be told I have no plans of opening up about this. It is not because I am doing this out of pride but because I want my problems to be my own problems. Other people don’t need to treat my problems as if it were theirs. If I am able to come up with an explanation to my problem, then I can come up with solutions to these problems. I am my own psychologist. This is my own battle where I will fight, stumble and fall BY MYSELF.

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