Ghost of the Present
Sometimes I’m just really tired of living because of the different layers of negativity clamping down on my soul. There’s the complicated dynamics I have with my parents, the frustration I have with my friends and then recently the death of a good friend.
For now, the issue with my friends and the death of one friend are what currently bother me. I am heavily frustrated with the way my friends have been treating me. It feels like I’m not a very significant person in their lives judging from the way things have been turning out. There’s my blockmates aka my first set of friends in college who were in the same course as I am. We were basically together until I had to shift courses. My time with them was greatly reduced and very limited time was spent (like only meeting in the hallways for fleeting moments) and this went all the way up to graduation. I only got to talk to them for a long time only when graduation was done. I met two when we were at a restaurant having lunch. During those times, we talked about current issues like politics before exchanging grad pics with specialized messages. Another one I talked to on Messenger with promises of hanging out after so many years.
I was really happy that I was able to talk to them again and also because I was touched with their specialized messages at the back of their grad pics. In the end, however, I was disappointed not just with these people I met but with everyone. This is mostly due to what I saw on Facebook. Another block mate hosted a graduation party and I found this out only when the party was soon going to take place. Call it low but I was really expecting that I was going to be invited. This guy, after all, was also my friend back in high school. There was no invite yet one of my thesis mates, whom he has known only for the year, was invited.
Another source of my disappointment was from the fact that the promise of hanging out was never fulfilled. I could ask and follow up again but my past experiences with that remind me to do otherwise. It will never push through. In the end, I did not do anything. I just simply let it as it is because she would remember her promise if my time with her really matters. Now that I’m looking at our messages again, I can say that they’re just empty words. Including the specialized messages that they all gave to me because their actions seem to contradict what they said in their messages to me.
There’s also several friends whom I consider close because I have been consistently opening up to them about my secrets and hidden feelings. I often fill them in on what has been going on with my life and now I am beginning to regret doing so. I want my secrets back if I don’t see them doing the same to me. I’m not expecting them to tell me everything but at least give me a general gist of their life. I am, after all, interested to know how they have been doing lately. But there’s none. I know nothing about their lives since they’re not talking to me.
Again, it is so frustrating. The way I regard them as a friend is not the same as to how they regard me as a friend. I am honestly thinking of slowly moving away from them. Truth is I have begun to unfollow their posts on Facebook and I have also begun to turn off chat because I am only going to get hurt and jealous when I see the next post that shows my friends being together. As for the chat messages, I’m turning it off so as to avoid conversations that will simply lead to empty promises. Besides, we are all going different ways now that college is over. I don’t see any reason to be filled in on their lives especially when I won’t be seeing them again.
It’s not that I don’t care about our friendship anymore because truth is I really do. I had always tried to get together with them but somehow the plans end up not pushing through. Common excuses include unavailable due to school work and also due to personal commitments. I don’t blame them for that, okay. I can’t take that away from them but I do believe they can suggest to meet on a different day. I mean you’re not always busy, right? But there were no suggestions. Each conversation I picked up simply ended like “oh sorry I’m busy on that day”. No “but I am free…….are you free on that day?”. Nothing.
And that is why I choose not to do anything this time. Because I know what’s gonna happen. I will get my hopes up and then it will only be crushed later on.And I have had enough of having to go through that. So goodbye, friends. Last week was pretty much our last meetup. You will no longer hear from me except on Twitter. From now on, I will simply be a ghost friend to all of you. You will know I am around but you will never see me nor hear from me.
Thank you for all the memories. It was fun while it lasted.
PS. I will talk about the other issue on a different day. It’s getting late and I have an early class tomorrow. Besides, I don’t want to put in two very different stories in one post since this post will end up being too long.