Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

For The Sake Of My Future

Yesterday, I went to school to pass a letter signifying my intent to take extra classes for the first semester. These classes are going to be credited but are not going to be part of my degree since I already graduated with one. The deadline for such requests was last June 30 but the staff said I can still submit a letter for the dean’s approval. However, they said that there is no guarantee of acceptance since those who submitted past the deadline had their requests rejected.

You might ask why I’m planning to enroll again when I should be glad that I am finally done with college. One reason is for the pleasure of personal enrichment. Counseling Psychology and Hypnosis, the classes I plan to take, are two interesting topics for me. Back in my undergraduate years I was not able to take these electives due to conflicts in my schedule and I had to settle for a different elective.

The bigger reason is I need to join student organizations in order to have a fighting chance for application in my dream medical school. To join organizations, however, would mean that I have to be enrolled in the school.

When I found out about this, I had contradicting decisions. One half of me wanted to forget about it because it would mean spending more money for tuition. Instead of spending I could probably earn money by looking for a part-time job while I wait for med school classes next year.  The other half of me wanted to go for it because I want to have experiences in student organizations. I don’t want my interviewer during med school application to ask me if I became active in org life and I would be saying “No”. That would really pull down my chances of getting into that med school since my grades, one of the biggest factors in deciding who gets in, weren’t that high when I was still an undergraduate.

I was so undecided with what to do that I had to talk to some friends. I asked a friend for suggestions on what orgs I can join. She suggested that I join a particular org that teaches catechism because the people there are very friendly and welcoming. She also said I won’t regret joining. I was inclined to join this org since of all the orgs she mentioned, this was the one where she sounded really thrilled and excited. She was messaging me in all caps all the while complete with emoticons. For the other orgs she mentioned, it seemed as if she lost the enthusiasm so I could really tell that she loved that org that teaches catechism.

This led to me ask another friend. I had to ask advice whether I should join that org or not because my mind is closed when it comes to religion or anything holy. I don’t want to be unfair to the vision of the org by joining simply for the people in it. I think that I am being a hypocrite if I teach something I don’t believe in. My friend said that I should give it a try. She said she was in the same situation and she eventually found herself liking what she was doing because of the people in the organization she joined. This was when I started mentioning all of my personal reservations. I mentioned how I can see my socially inept personality will ruin everything for me. That my awkward behavior and resting bitchy face will push people away from me therefore inhibiting the forging of friendships. Ultimately I envision myself being alone in the org and not being able to enjoy its activities.

From this point on, things got very emotional between us which is extremely uncharacteristic of me since I don’t let myself appear vulnerable in front of friends. Painful memories of the past were relived and were associated with my present internal state. In the end, she told me that everything will work and that I shouldn’t lose hope. With words of encouragement and a late realization that I am already thinking of the scenario on the assumption that I will be able to enroll (which is wrong), I decided that I would give it a try by writing  a letter stating my intent of enrolling again.

Now here I am typing away and waiting for approval. The school staff said I would be able to find out today if my request is approved or not. I actually plan to call as soon as I finish this post but I don’t want to think that my request is going to be approved. I believe that the reasons I mentioned for enrolling again are not worth considering given that I submitted way past the deadline. Besides I also think it could be done in another time maybe next semester. Still I don’t want to be completely negative about the situation.



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