Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

Lost In Life

Yesterday we went to an outreach program hosted by my aunt. The event took place at a public home for girls who were either picked up from the streets or left by their parents who could not take care of them. When we arrived, they were all in the mess hall having a snack and they were just about to finish. We spent a couple of minutes watching and entertaining some of the kids before we all went to another room where the program was supposed to be held.

Inside, my aunt formally introduced all of us (my family, her family, another uncle and another family from her husband’s brother) before having a mini speech dedicated to the kids. Once that was done, we watched all of them perform several times before giving out the donations.

The kids were so full of energy! There were a number of kids who caught my attention in particular. The first was a young girl who was involved in almost all of the performances. I swear she could be a professional dancer if she would just continue dancing and performing at the level I saw. Then there’s this young girl who may have Down Syndrome. Apparently, she was there because one of the houseparents of the public home was working. Maybe the houseparent could not afford to leave her home, I guess. Lastly there was a 15 year old girl named Aya. They named her Aya because all she could ever pronounce “Ay”. Apparently she’s been staying there for 8 years already. They found her wandering in the streets one afternoon. They asked around the place where they found her but no one claimed to know her. They even made headlines just to find the kid’s parents but to no avail.

Thinking about all these stories makes me sad, but hopeful. I believe they are there right now because they can’t survive outside. Inside the public home, they can be taken care of. Someone will attend to their needs, ensuring that there’s a balance between leisure and work. Inside, they can get to study, do different household chores, strengthen their value formation, be taught catechism and relax. By adopting this mindset, I was able to be optimistic towards what was happening to them.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same to what is happening to me. At 20+, my life still has no purpose. I still have no purpose while others are starting to find or have already found meaning in their lives. It makes me jealous of everyone around me. My dad organized a similar event for his 50th birthday and another aunt and her entire family organized the same event for children with special needs. It must have been so uplifting for my dad and my aunt’s family to do such a thing. And what about me? What have I done to contribute to the world? Nothing.

I want to do something similar to what was done. For once, I want to stop getting caught up in my own world. What I’m feeling and going through will always be valid, but I see that it’s going to be unhealthy if it’s all going to be about me for the rest of my life. Focusing primarily on myself won’t bring me satisfaction and happiness, but maybe I can find what I’m looking for if I step out of my own boundaries. I’m thinking of spending a day with kids with special needs as well since we have special kids in the entire clan. By default, I’m a serious person and I would often try to be as rational as possible. With them, however, everything is thrown out the window. It’s really emotional fireworks around them like cuddling, hugging, tickling and saying words of affirmation. More than that, I feel like I have a connection with them. When I’m in their presence, it’s like everything is calm and serene. Communicating with them doesn’t become a task that entails responsibility, but an enjoyable activity that comes so naturally over time. (I’ll dedicate a post about my affinity for special kids in the future).

I don’t have plans of telling my parents about this. If I do, my dad will find out and I’m only going to be overwhelmed. I don’t want to be continuously nagged about the topic. I don’t want to be reminded about my goal all the time when others think I’m starting to forget my goal. I don’t want to be continuously told what I should do and what I shouldn’t do. I want things to happen without generating pressure and that’s going to happen if I plan with the help of my mom and maybe possibly my aunt and her family.

For now I just plan to lay low. I’ll probably wait for a few months before I open up to my mom about this.

Everything in its own place and time.

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