Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

The Journey of my Faith

April 7, 2015. I was watching a TV show when I felt a sudden urge to check my school’s online portal for grades. I had been uncomfortable the past few days because my grade in Organic Chemistry, a subject I found difficult back then amidst hours of studying, was due for release. For days I had been praying hard for at least just a passing mark but it was not meant to be. I sulked about it for days because my applications for med schools were going to be affected and it was already the second time I flunked a class. I was so hurt by everything. My intentions were sincere and I was left wondering if my prayers just fell on deaf ears and if there really was a God in the first place.

April 7, 2017. Clearly April 7 is a significant day and I wonder what’s going to happen on that day in the coming years 🙂

Anyway I realized how petty I was two years ago for complaining just because of a failing grade. But that experience was not enough from preventing what was to happen.

My appeal for admission on my dream med school was rejected and I partly blamed the Lord for it. I knew I was at a disadvantage. I didn’t have superior grades from my college years and from the medical admission test but the Lord somehow gave me a shot at the interview (which is I believe where I blew it) and then on the appeal. Usually applicants are no longer qualified to the interview phase if they score low on grades. I was crying out to the Lord that maybe he shouldn’t have given me a chance to be interviewed at all if His plan did not include me being admitted to my dream medical school.

So I was at it again. I heard Mass but I was only physically there. I took the Holy Communion but I never prayed for anything. I also declined to take part in the praying of the rosary whenever my parents asked me to pray with them.

July 11, 2017. I have not given up on my faith and I have learned so much from those two experiences as well as everything that accompanied it. You don’t always get what you want in life and there’s always a reason for that. It won’t make sense in the start but the answer will come in time. Sometimes we never get the answer and it’s simply the trust in Him that keeps one going in life.

Personally life gets simpler once you stop expecting too much. After the appeal was rejected, I pleaded one more time to show my dream med school that I really wanted it there. Still, it wasn’t granted but I am alright thanks to a good social support system. They helped me not to expect to a fault and to see what has happened in a different light. Maybe my current med school is a sign that is where I will shine the brightest? Highly possible especially since I have felt for some time now that the Lord is pushing me into this direction.

Talking to the Lord has become more meaningful. Lately I have always been praying that things turn out fine in med school and in my personal life for the next four years. Guidance, assurance and comfort have been the main themes in my prayers and it makes my life more manageable to a significant extent. The extremely heavy feeling in my chest and heart goes away and I usually find myself feeling better after praying. At night talking to Him helps me calm my nerves especially if the heavy feeling is back.

More importantly I learned that strengthening one’s faith will have to involve questioning it at one point in life. Darkness will always precede the light and it will continue to do so until the end of time.

Likewise I do not expect to be in the light for long. I will stumble again inevitably especially now that I am entering a new phase of my life. There will be new bumps, both the expected and the unexpected, along the road and the questioning and doubting will start all over again. Despite these, I remain calm.

But I know myself. I will break down once life presents to me its newest challenge, one that I have never encountered like before, but I want to remain hopeful and optimistic that everything will be alright in the end. I just have to trust the process and remember it in my heart that the saddest, most challenging moments also have a meaning in life and are also opportunities for one’s faith to grow and mature.

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