Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

How I Feel As A Wanderer

1842812-outsider-Stock-PhotoI always feel so different among my peers. I can’t relate to any of the stuff that has them talking be it in the form of TV shows, celebrity gossips, trending video games or plans for hangouts. If there’s a topic that I can relate to, which are mostly intellectual and quite personal, I need to take time to think about what to say next or where to direct the discussion.

It’s like everyone else has something they can readily share without causing an awkward air of silence. I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite. Is my next sentence logically sound? Will it make others feel uncomfortable? Wait, maybe I should just use this word instead of THAT word. Yeah maybe. Okay let’s practice saying that in our head and let’s see if it’s gonna sound okay and not awkward. And then you find out everyone has already moved on to another topic just when you were ready to say something. Right after you’ve rehearsed that next dialogue in your head a dozen times. Oh well.

Then there’s days when thinking isn’t necessary but asking about the topic is. I don’t know with you but I don’t feel at ease when everyone is so familiar at a topic when you’re not. You want in on the conversation especially when you’re with your friends, but everything they say doesn’t make sense. And so you meekly ask to be briefed on the topic, orienting yourself on the matter in the process while everyone pauses to accommodate their lost friend which is me basically.

Finally there’s days when I’m the one talking but everyone doesn’t have an idea about the stuff I’m talking about or are just disinterested/not in the mood. The TV show I mentioned isn’t a popular one or has already ended and the hobby that is my pastime is too advanced for our age or is just plain out of sync with everyone else. I just can’t seem to get a break. And for the personal and intellectual stuff? Boy, who talks about extremely detailed future plans at first year medicine proper? Who talks about having an existential crisis when there’s tons of information to be studied left and right?

It’s really uncomfortable. Sometimes I can’t feel that I’m actually talking with my friends or peers as I’m too busy in my head, analyzing the exchange of words instead of living in the moment with everyone else. Wait a minute. Do I actually agree with his sentiment? But what about her sentiments that are equally valid in its own way? Okay now how will I fix this out with the emotional output they expect from me? Wait what is the whole gist anyway? Did I get everything right with Person A talking about this…..and Person B stressing the importance of….. 

Do you get me?

Sometimes it’s frustrating because I know I need social interaction with people so I put myself out in the open. I talk when I am asked on the spot and I try my best to engage with my peers. But I guess I’m incompatible with a lot of my peers. Either their topic doesn’t stimulate me or my topic is too boring or too intense for them. Man, I try so hard AND I fail so hard at this thing called sociality.

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