Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

In Pursuit of our Highest Potential

I’ve been deleting my old tweets from my personal Twitter account for the past two days. The decision came by impulsively as I was considering a fresh start or perhaps a life with  less social media accounts to handle. Facebook, Messenger and Telegram are the three apps that take a significant chunk of time because class announcements and group conversations are held. It’s impossible for me to uninstall the apps without getting the ire of group members on group projects or getting behind on class matters.

I was also deleting tweets because I was no longer comfortable with most of my sentimental thoughts open for my followers to view. I became highly conscious of what others might have to say about my old tweets.

I opened my account and went all the way to the oldest set of tweets that could be loaded. Scrolling through the tweets somehow brought some sense of nostalgia. I remembered exactly how the conversations with my friends went five to six years ago. It suddenly made me think of that specific set of friends.

Anyway I read on and made some discoveries about my past self. I honestly can’t remember possessing these traits but the tweets were there. I was honest and vocal, but I figured my past self could have learned to filter words. Or maybe he could have just shut up. I can understand that my past self was only being transparent and valued being truthful but aaaah reading those tweets now feels so wrong. I could sense growing tensions in my old conversations between my friends that I never noticed before.

I was also noisier and more talkative before. I always had insights to offer which sometimes didn’t make sense. I was always talking and talking and talking so much to the point that my friends would no longer even reply to the tweets I directed to them.

It’s easy to understand that I was so immature and insensitive.

Fast forward to more recent tweets (2014-2015), I guess I became more mellow. My tweets were constructed more carefully now and with consideration to what others could feel. The habit was developed until my last tweet in 2016. Since then I stopped voicing my sentiments and began reading on what my followers had to share instead.

Now here we are. You know, I’m so thankful for that specific set of friends. I thank them for being more mature and for dealing with my immaturity effectively. I thank them for not cutting me out of their circle. Honestly it’s a miracle that I’m still good friends with them up to now.

Alright, enough with the drama and on to my final thought. It’s so easy to overlook our old behavior and think that we were never toxic to people at some time in our lives. Sometimes I think it’s because we never have any intention of being toxic so we place ourselves in an illusion that our friends are totally fine with what we do to them. It’s nice to know that we have good intentions for our friends but I see now that sensitivity goes a long way, especially when we want to develop and maintain healthy relationships.

Looking ahead I know this isn’t the best of myself. There will always be something to address within the self. Now I can say I’m more receptive to people’s emotions and sensitivities but I can go too far with my jokes. Again there will always be something to improve on. It’s a constant process.

Someday I am going to be better than my current personality and that’s what I’m always aiming for everyday: To be better than who I was as early as I can.

 

 

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