Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

Ghost of the Present

Sometimes I’m just really tired of living because of the different layers of negativity clamping down on my soul. There’s the complicated dynamics I have with my parents, the frustration I have with my friends and then recently the death of a good friend.

For now the issue with my friends and the death of one friend are what currently bother me. I am heavily frustrated with the way my friends have been treating me. It feels like I’m not a very significant person in their lives judging from the way things have been turning out. There’s my  blockmates aka my first set of friends in college who were in the same course as I am. We were basically together until I had to shift courses. My time with them was greatly reduced and very limited time was spent (like only meeting in the hallways for fleeting moments) and this went all the way up to graduation. I only got to talk to them for a long time only when graduation was done. I met two when we were at a restaurant having lunch. During those times, we talked about current issues like politics before exchanging grad pics with specialized messages. Another one I talked to on Messenger with promises of hanging out after so many years.

I was really happy that I was able to talk to them again and also because I was touched with their specialized messages at the back of their grad pics. In the end, however, I was disappointed not just with these people I met but with everyone. This is mostly due to what I saw on Facebook. Another block mate hosted a graduation party and I found this out only when the party was soon going to take place. Call it low but I was really expecting that I was going to be invited. This guy, after all, was also my friend back in high school. There was no invite yet one of my thesis mates, whom he has known only for the year, was invited.

Another source of my disappointment was from the fact that the promise of hanging out was never fulfilled. I could ask and follow up again but my past experiences with that remind me to do otherwise. It will never push through. In the end, I did not do anything. I just simply let it as it is because she would remember her promise if my time with her really matters. Now that I’m looking at our messages again, I can say that they’re just empty words. Including the specialized messages that they all gave to me because their actions seem to contradict what they said in their messages to me.

There’s also several friends whom I consider close because I have been consistently opening up to them about my secrets and hidden feelings. I often fill them in on what has been going on with my life and now I am beginning to regret doing so. I want my secrets back if I don’t see them doing the same to me. I’m not expecting them to tell me everything but at least give me a general gist of their life. I am, after all, interested to know how they have been doing lately. But there’s none. I know nothing about their lives since they’re not talking to me.

Again, it is so frustrating. The way I regard them as a friend is not the same as to how they regard me as a friend. I am honestly thinking of slowly moving away from them. Truth is I have begun to unfollow their posts on Facebook and I have also begun to turn off chat because I am only going to get hurt and jealous when I see the next post that shows my friends being together. As for the chat messages, I’m turning it off so as to avoid conversations that will simply lead to empty promises. Besides, we are all going different ways now that college is over. I don’t see any reason to be filled in on their lives especially when I won’t be seeing them again.

It’s not that I don’t care about our friendship anymore because truth is I really do. I had always tried to get together with them but somehow the plans end up not pushing through. Common excuses include unavailable due to school work and also due to personal commitments. I don’t blame them for that, okay. I can’t take that away from them but I do believe they can suggest to meet on a different day. I mean you’re not always busy, right? But there were no suggestions. Each conversation I picked up simply ended like “oh sorry I’m busy on that day”. No “but I am free…….are you free on that day?”. Nothing.

And that is why I choose not to do anything this time. Because I know what’s gonna happen. I will get my hopes up and then it will only be crushed later on.And I have had enough of having to go through that. So goodbye, friends. Last week was pretty much our last meetup. You will no longer hear from me except on Twitter. From now on, I will simply be a ghost friend to all of you. You will know I am around but you will never see me nor hear from me.

Thank you for all the memories. It was fun while it lasted.

PS. I will talk about the other issue on a different day. It’s getting late and I have an early class tomorrow. Besides, I don’t want to put in two very different stories in one post since this post will end up being too long.

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A Tough Road Ahead

redbrickI am all alone in my room where no sound can be heard except for the steady humming of the AC unit and of course the sound of my fingers typing on the keyboard. As I look around me I cannot help but be unaccustomed to my environment as I keep on looking for chaos in my room. I expect my bag carelessly laid on the floor and several piles of readings and notes scattered on the bed but these are nowhere to be found. Continue reading

The Awakening

awakenings

I was always made to believe that kindness is something that is inherent in people and that they are capable of showing this to others. This is a life teaching that I always brought with me throughout the years which is why I always like to believe that there is somehow a measure of kindness and empathy within the hearts of all kinds of people. This teaching enabled me to extend my patience and tolerate acts which are directed against me and my community. I guess you could say that I was quite an optimist back then. Continue reading

Crack

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Earlier today I was asked to answer a series of questions which tackled on my mental health. The questions had to be answered on a piece of paper which would be looked at by a physician. When I handed over my answers my physician was quite surprised with my answer on the first question.

The question read, Are you happy with how your life has been going in general?

Beside it were three choices: Yes, Sometimes and No. I happened to encircle No. Continue reading

A Precarious State

Frustration-Eats-Pencil2Hi. It’s me again after a few months of being inactive. Before anything else, allow me to tell you about what happened since my last blog post.

The past three months have been tough. Because of the number of units I am taking for the semester I had to let go of certain activities such as exercising and going out at night to have a snack at my favorite shop. I have come to realize that literally every second counts in finishing my requirements for school because the duration of my rest rests solely on how soon I finish them. Really it shouldn’t be a big deal to most students but I’m in a really unique scenario as evidenced by my extreme schedule. My early dismissals during Mondays and Fridays could have been used to catch up on sleep but I often found myself getting to work as soon as I got home. Often. Often because there have been times when I have been swayed to do otherwise. In those moments I frequently found myself giving in…..and eventually paying the consequences. Continue reading

Three Weeks Later

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It’s been three weeks since I last updated my blog and I feel that I should let you guys know what has happened to me lately.

Days after my post on 12am thoughts I was occupied in increasing traffic to this blog so I resorted to sharing my blog on several platforms. I didn’t have a lot of stuff to do back then so I was mostly in front of the computer.

That was the calm before the storm. Continue reading

12am Thoughts

late

Most of the phrases below are thoughts that have been lingering in my mind for the past couple of weeks. A lot of these thoughts have almost made it to Twitter but I have ultimately decided not to tweet them. I am sharing these unspoken thoughts here because I personally hate expressing most of my deepest thoughts in Twitter.

Besides, most of my followers do not know that this side of me exists. My interactions with my followers have been very casual and shallow. Never or rarely do we engage in deep conversations about life so it would seem kinda off if they read these thoughts/tweets.

But you guys do since this is where most of my unexpressed feelings end up. Here goes! Continue reading

Jaded

jadedThat’s the one word that can accurately describe how I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. I’m not quite sure where this came from but I have a feeling it was a result of several negative experiences (like having your things stolen by a loved one. I’ll talk about this in a future post). Today I was supposed to watch Mission Impossible with my mom, my aunt and my cousins but I decided to stay at home since I woke up today with a heavy feeling.

Well we were out yesterday from three in the afternoon until eleven in the evening so I guess you can say I’m probably just tired from yesterday’s activities. But I am pretty sure that’s not it because this has been going on for the past few weeks. Continue reading

Day X: Just Another Typical Day

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As if on cue his eyes pop open and he realizes that he has finally woken up from his sleep. A sleep that felt as if he simply closed his eyes for five or six hours. There is no feeling of grogginess at all. Just a feeling of alertness.

Despite being awake he continues to lie on his bed. He knows he has places to go for the day but he doesn’t want to leave his bed just yet. He still wants to remain in the comfort of his bed. He still wants to feel the fabric of the comforter wrapping him in a cocoon. He wants to imagine it as if it were talking to him.

“Don’t worry. I’m here now and I will make sure you are safe and that everything will be okay.”

But he knows he must eventually get out of his paradise. An invisible force beckons to him to rise from his bed and start his day. With a sigh he forces himself to get up from his bed. The bed protests. It does not want him to go just yet but he does not have a choice.

As he gets up from bed he instantly begins to feel heavy. The strange thing is that he can’t seem to pinpoint the exact location of that heavy sensation. Nonetheless he continues to head for the door. The door that would reconnect him to everyone and everything. The world basically. He goes out and steps into the living room.

The world’s greeting is a cruel one. A vision suddenly pops right in front of him. He see a young boy and who is presumably his father seated across each other. The father seems to be teaching something to the young boy but the young boy looks like he could not understand a single thing. This leaves the father greatly frustrated and the young boy can do nothing but bow his head down.

End of vision.

He goes down and discovers that the food has already been served and all that’s left is for him to eat it. He takes a seat and begins consuming his food. In a matter of minutes, he finishes breakfast…but not before getting another vision.

This time the vision involved four people: the young boy, the father, a woman presumably the mother and a young girl. The young boy and the young girl are eating and are not minding everyone else. The mother and the father, however, appeared to be fighting. The father is in a fit. He seems to have a bad temper because he soon grabs a glass of water and spills it all over the table, drenching the tablecloth. Before leaving the area he makes a loud bang on the table. The mother, on the other hand, could do nothing but just roll her eyes and sigh.

And again he shakes off the vision as he prepares to go up.

Upstairs he sees that his family is still asleep. Because of this he is careful not to make any sound.

Soon he is stopped in his tracks because the scenario is changing. The mattresses that were placed on the floor vanished. The master bed began to have more occupants. As his eyes focused, he realizes that the young boy is lying down facedown with the butt slightly exposed. The mother is also there. In fact she is gazing at the boy and she appears to be saying something in disgust. In a matter of seconds, the belt rudely kisses the young boy’s butt and the next thing he hears is the sound of someone crying.

And then the vision just ended. Poof.

Guess it was just another hallucination, he thinks as he makes his way to the bathroom.

In the bathroom he begins to think of what is to come. What will happen to him and the people around him? Will there be anything new today? How will today’s interactions go? Will his ever awkward personality side take over again? Will he be socially inhibited again for the day? These questions continue to linger in his mind even as he is already on the road.

As he reaches his destination he begins to feel lighter now and his day officially begins. As he slowly settles into the background he begins to see everyone. The friends, the acquaintances and the strangers. He settles into his place and begins to blend in with the crowd. It isn’t until the afternoon that he begins to see his true friend. For an hour or two, they talk about all sorts of things ranging from the most general issues like the weather to the most delicate issues such as a breakup.

Later, he encounters another friend but he is not very comfortable being around this person but they are able to talk about different things. This friend of his is quite an open person and he would love to reciprocate the deed. However something is holding him back from doing so and he realizes that he is afraid that this person may not accept him if he completely shows his whole self. As a result the rest of the day is quite uneventful and a cloud of awkwardness exists.

In order to temporarily dispel this cloud he desperately searches for something that can be talked about. Anything just to reduce the tension that was building up in him. It works but as mentioned before, it is short-lived.

Soon, they go their own ways and it is time for him to go home. He is in a bit of a sour mood as his awkward side has resurfaced again.

“What have you done? I thought you wanted to be closer to people? Why are you doing the exact opposite?”

Those are the questions he repeatedly asks himself and he honestly can’t come up with a logical answer. The chance is already there but he seems to be letting it just slip away from him.

Meanwhile he has reached his house. He opens the door to his house and greet all the occupants in it. Strangely the heavy feeling has come back and it is preventing him from taking any steps further. Nonetheless he still manages to make it to his room. As soon as that happens, he feels himself disconnect from the world.

In my mind, he can hear the snap that it makes as his connection to the outside world is temporarily severed. Subsequently, the energy that he had outside begins to seep through his pores. And now he feel myself slowly collapsing until the bed, dying to establish its connection with him, meets his heavy body.

This, however, does not for long because he knows that he has not yet accomplished his to-do list. For the rest of the evening he gets to work. As motivation, he constantly reminds myself that the time for sleep will come in a few hours. He is only interrupted when dinner is already served.

During dinner he is asked about a lot of questions. The topics are mostly about what he did today, how his day was and if there was anything significant that happened today. He is not in the mood to answer but he tries his best by answering well and by constantly tying a smile to his face. There really is no choice but to do that since all eyes are on him.

Half an hour later everyone scatters and begins to mind their own business. His mother goes back to playing games in her phone. It’s that or she watches movies to kill time. His father, meanwhile, goes to their room, lies down on the bed, watches another show , munches on several snacks and starts acting like he is the royal king. From time to time, he calls on anyone who passes by the room for several favors. His sister, on the other hand, is in her room and at the hands of her nanny.

As for him he remains in his room until 12 midnight. He begins to finish his interrupted work and he does not finish until the said time.

Finally 12 midnight comes. The time for sleep has arrived and he can’t wait. He will be reunited with his bed and comforter, both of which he missed dearly during the course of the day. In a few minutes, everything is going to be alright again…..for the time being. He wastes no time in entering the room of his parents because it is where their beds are placed.

The room is cold because of the air-conditioning unit. He pauses for a moment to appreciate the cold. Ahhhh. So soothing.

And now the moment he has been waiting for.

He slowly gets into bed and begins to wrap himself around the comforter. Soon, he finds himself lying and staring in the dark. All the negative thoughts, with one major theme, slowly come to his mind.

“I hate this house. I wonder when I’ll be able to leave this place. I’m tired of going to every place and and being able to associate that place with bad memories. I hate the prevailing hypocrisy of everyone in this house. I think I’m gonna snap soon if I don’t get out of here.”

And that’s when he begins to crumble discreetly as he does not want to wake up his sleeping parents and sister from their slumber. The tears finally trickle down his face but he does not feel them at all. For these tears are evaporated tears. Dry sobs continue to rack his body. He continues this for as long as he wants because he realizes that he has already fallen in love with his pain.

He knows he can’t keep grieving forever so he begins to calm himself by thinking of the most special person in his heart and he begins to materialize this person into his comforter. The comforter because it is the closest thing that can grant him comfort, assurance and security. He imagines this person talking to him in soothing tone. This person hugs him and reminds him that all things will come to an end. That his suffering will have its end. Someday.

All these he does in the comfort of his bed and his imagination is the only thing that is capable of temporarily restoring him to his functional self.

Some time later his imagination works. He is now temporarily relieved and now he is starting to fall asleep. His last thought before finally drifting off is this.

Get ready for the next battle.

Abience

Abience

They say that you should always take opportunities to meet and get to know other people who come in to your life. Personally I would have to agree with them even if I really want to say the opposite. People, even if they say they are isolated or disconnected, are social creatures. They can sever their ties from other people but the time will eventually come when they’re gonna have to come out of their shells. No man is an island, after all.

I’m not exactly an outgoing and very social person. If you would judge me just by looking, I think you’d be able to come up with several adjectives which pertain to negative characteristics. I’ve heard a lot actually. Looks unapproachable, snobbish, aloof, cold, distant, bitchy, grumpy. I can’t blame other people for saying that because my default facial expression does seem to portray those characteristics. But these aren’t my traits. If you talk to me I think you’ll soon see that I’m a very caring person (though I may not show it in the most obvious ways) and quite talkative for a shy person. Once you know me I tend to open up about the most random topics (from the weather to the philosophical topics).

*The next paragraph will describe my relationship with new people in the past few weeks since I don’t always have urges to withdraw from other people*

For a short time it’s gonna seem as if I’m developing my friendship with a person. We spend some time and share different kinds of stories with each other. Then abience comes along bearing gifts aka painful memories. They usually arrive when I’m alone in my bedroom lying around and doing nothing. As I’m evaluating my relationships with new people painful memories such as losing my high school best friend, being an outsider for a whole year, being bullied and those involving people who leave and never return come back to haunt me. When these come back I sit back and come up with seemingly pessimistic conclusions in life. That’s when I begin to feel as if I have to make a very important decision. What do I do with our friendship? Do I risk it or do I quit while it’s still early?

I’m very tempted to give in to abience. I have been hurt repeatedly by the people whom I treasure dearly. Some people left me and never came back, some people treated me as a friend and then as an outsider later on, some people got into arguments with me and our friendship was never the same after. All these experiences hurt so much and I never want to experience those again from the ones I cherish. If you think of it, these can happen to me and new friends and future friends as well. Well, if that’s gonna happen, might as well get out while I still can before I get hurt all over again. So there. You now know why I have the urge to withdraw from people.

Besides nothing in life is permanent anyway. These people will eventually evaporate when I get to the outside world. We’ll all eventually have different paths to take and we’ll soon forget each other in a few years. Why not do it now so I can have a lower count of friendships that just died/failed? It will also save me the pain of just losing these people.

However there’s also a part of me who wants to try and risk it since all friendships begin from scratch. I want my social network to grow and I know backing out easily isn’t the way to do it. My friendship with those I’ve known for years was the result of continuous interactions. If I want friendships to mature real quick, then maybe something is wrong with my perception of how friendships evolve.

But I’m scared. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I say the wrong things? What if they discover my flaws like my insecurities and anger issues? What if they won’t accept me?

And now we go back to the million dollar question: Should I go for it or not?

I’m not so sure myself.