Scattered Pieces

These are the words I held back

Quick Update

Hi all! I apologize if I haven’t been updating my blog for the last two months as I have been busy juggling academic work, org work and most importantly my preparations for the National Medical Admission Test (NMAT).

Anyway, the NMAT took place last Sunday which means I now have more free time on my hands. Hopefully I can update you all regularly with the latest development (I actually do plan on writing a new blog post right after this quick message).

That’s all and hope to see you around!

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For The Sake Of My Future

Yesterday, I went to school to pass a letter signifying my intent to take extra classes for the first semester. These classes are going to be credited but are not going to be part of my degree since I already graduated with one. The deadline for such requests was last June 30 but the staff said I can still submit a letter for the dean’s approval. However, they said that there is no guarantee of acceptance since those who submitted past the deadline had their requests rejected. Continue reading

Ghost of the Present

Sometimes I’m just really tired of living because of the different layers of negativity clamping down on my soul. There’s the complicated dynamics I have with my parents, the frustration I have with my friends and then recently the death of a good friend.

For now the issue with my friends and the death of one friend are what currently bother me. I am heavily frustrated with the way my friends have been treating me. It feels like I’m not a very significant person in their lives judging from the way things have been turning out. There’s my  blockmates aka my first set of friends in college who were in the same course as I am. We were basically together until I had to shift courses. My time with them was greatly reduced and very limited time was spent (like only meeting in the hallways for fleeting moments) and this went all the way up to graduation. I only got to talk to them for a long time only when graduation was done. I met two when we were at a restaurant having lunch. During those times, we talked about current issues like politics before exchanging grad pics with specialized messages. Another one I talked to on Messenger with promises of hanging out after so many years.

I was really happy that I was able to talk to them again and also because I was touched with their specialized messages at the back of their grad pics. In the end, however, I was disappointed not just with these people I met but with everyone. This is mostly due to what I saw on Facebook. Another block mate hosted a graduation party and I found this out only when the party was soon going to take place. Call it low but I was really expecting that I was going to be invited. This guy, after all, was also my friend back in high school. There was no invite yet one of my thesis mates, whom he has known only for the year, was invited.

Another source of my disappointment was from the fact that the promise of hanging out was never fulfilled. I could ask and follow up again but my past experiences with that remind me to do otherwise. It will never push through. In the end, I did not do anything. I just simply let it as it is because she would remember her promise if my time with her really matters. Now that I’m looking at our messages again, I can say that they’re just empty words. Including the specialized messages that they all gave to me because their actions seem to contradict what they said in their messages to me.

There’s also several friends whom I consider close because I have been consistently opening up to them about my secrets and hidden feelings. I often fill them in on what has been going on with my life and now I am beginning to regret doing so. I want my secrets back if I don’t see them doing the same to me. I’m not expecting them to tell me everything but at least give me a general gist of their life. I am, after all, interested to know how they have been doing lately. But there’s none. I know nothing about their lives since they’re not talking to me.

Again, it is so frustrating. The way I regard them as a friend is not the same as to how they regard me as a friend. I am honestly thinking of slowly moving away from them. Truth is I have begun to unfollow their posts on Facebook and I have also begun to turn off chat because I am only going to get hurt and jealous when I see the next post that shows my friends being together. As for the chat messages, I’m turning it off so as to avoid conversations that will simply lead to empty promises. Besides, we are all going different ways now that college is over. I don’t see any reason to be filled in on their lives especially when I won’t be seeing them again.

It’s not that I don’t care about our friendship anymore because truth is I really do. I had always tried to get together with them but somehow the plans end up not pushing through. Common excuses include unavailable due to school work and also due to personal commitments. I don’t blame them for that, okay. I can’t take that away from them but I do believe they can suggest to meet on a different day. I mean you’re not always busy, right? But there were no suggestions. Each conversation I picked up simply ended like “oh sorry I’m busy on that day”. No “but I am free…….are you free on that day?”. Nothing.

And that is why I choose not to do anything this time. Because I know what’s gonna happen. I will get my hopes up and then it will only be crushed later on.And I have had enough of having to go through that. So goodbye, friends. Last week was pretty much our last meetup. You will no longer hear from me except on Twitter. From now on, I will simply be a ghost friend to all of you. You will know I am around but you will never see me nor hear from me.

Thank you for all the memories. It was fun while it lasted.

PS. I will talk about the other issue on a different day. It’s getting late and I have an early class tomorrow. Besides, I don’t want to put in two very different stories in one post since this post will end up being too long.

A Tough Road Ahead

redbrickI am all alone in my room where no sound can be heard except for the steady humming of the AC unit and of course the sound of my fingers typing on the keyboard. As I look around me I cannot help but be unaccustomed to my environment as I keep on looking for chaos in my room. I expect my bag carelessly laid on the floor and several piles of readings and notes scattered on the bed but these are nowhere to be found. Continue reading

The Awakening

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I was always made to believe that kindness is something that is inherent in people and that they are capable of showing this to others. This is a life teaching that I always brought with me throughout the years which is why I always like to believe that there is somehow a measure of kindness and empathy within the hearts of all kinds of people. This teaching enabled me to extend my patience and tolerate acts which are directed against me and my community. I guess you could say that I was quite an optimist back then. Continue reading

Crack

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Earlier today I was asked to answer a series of questions which tackled on my mental health. The questions had to be answered on a piece of paper which would be looked at by a physician. When I handed over my answers my physician was quite surprised with my answer on the first question.

The question read, Are you happy with how your life has been going in general?

Beside it were three choices: Yes, Sometimes and No. I happened to encircle No. Continue reading

A Precarious State

Frustration-Eats-Pencil2Hi. It’s me again after a few months of being inactive. Before anything else, allow me to tell you about what happened since my last blog post.

The past three months have been tough. Because of the number of units I am taking for the semester I had to let go of certain activities such as exercising and going out at night to have a snack at my favorite shop. I have come to realize that literally every second counts in finishing my requirements for school because the duration of my rest rests solely on how soon I finish them. Really it shouldn’t be a big deal to most students but I’m in a really unique scenario as evidenced by my extreme schedule. My early dismissals during Mondays and Fridays could have been used to catch up on sleep but I often found myself getting to work as soon as I got home. Often. Often because there have been times when I have been swayed to do otherwise. In those moments I frequently found myself giving in…..and eventually paying the consequences. Continue reading

Three Weeks Later

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It’s been three weeks since I last updated my blog and I feel that I should let you guys know what has happened to me lately.

Days after my post on 12am thoughts I was occupied in increasing traffic to this blog so I resorted to sharing my blog on several platforms. I didn’t have a lot of stuff to do back then so I was mostly in front of the computer.

That was the calm before the storm. Continue reading

12am Thoughts

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Most of the phrases below are thoughts that have been lingering in my mind for the past couple of weeks. A lot of these thoughts have almost made it to Twitter but I have ultimately decided not to tweet them. I am sharing these unspoken thoughts here because I personally hate expressing most of my deepest thoughts in Twitter.

Besides, most of my followers do not know that this side of me exists. My interactions with my followers have been very casual and shallow. Never or rarely do we engage in deep conversations about life so it would seem kinda off if they read these thoughts/tweets.

But you guys do since this is where most of my unexpressed feelings end up. Here goes! Continue reading

Jaded

jadedThat’s the one word that can accurately describe how I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. I’m not quite sure where this came from but I have a feeling it was a result of several negative experiences (like having your things stolen by a loved one. I’ll talk about this in a future post). Today I was supposed to watch Mission Impossible with my mom, my aunt and my cousins but I decided to stay at home since I woke up today with a heavy feeling.

Well we were out yesterday from three in the afternoon until eleven in the evening so I guess you can say I’m probably just tired from yesterday’s activities. But I am pretty sure that’s not it because this has been going on for the past few weeks. Continue reading