Earlier today I was asked to answer a series of questions which tackled on my mental health. The questions had to be answered on a piece of paper which would be looked at by a physician. When I handed over my answers, my physician was quite surprised with my answer on the first question.
The question read, Are you happy with how your life has been going in general?
Beside it were three choices: Yes, Sometimes and No. I happened to encircle No.
Honestly I was surprised as well. I really don’t recall reading such a question. In my mind back then, that “No” was an answer to a different question. However, that wasn’t the case. On paper, it appeared that I was not at all happy with my life but that is not the thing that surprised me because it is true that I’m really not happy with my life right now. What surprised me is that the answer seemed to have magically come out of nowhere. Again I really don’t remember going through this particular question so it only came as a surprise to me when I saw my physician’s reaction.
So what did I do? Well I didn’t want to lie to myself but I didn’t want to be completely honest either so I ended up saying some factors that contributed to my current state. I mentioned the factors that I was quite willing to share with to my close friends. The other factors (the more internal ones) I chose not to disclose because I didn’t want to reveal myself completely. What for anyway if this whole process is just a screening process that would determine whether I can attend a particular program designed for one of my classes.
This incident really got me thinking a lot and this is what I came up with:
Something deeply embedded into my unconscious self could be trying to make its way into my conscious self. For years I have suppressed all kinds of emotions including happiness, sadness, love, despair, fear and grief which is why I tend to appear blank on the outside. I fear that my unconscious has had enough of all these suppressed emotions so it’s trying to give a signal to the outside world about what really is going inside my head. It’s like my unconscious is taking over and it has begun to cry and plead for help because my conscious self has seemingly become numb from enduring pain after pain after pain.
I do not like to appear as weak and vulnerable but I cannot entirely ignore this theory because I came up with that theory with the help of the knowledge I have with my major subjects. You cannot deny facts because the presence of facts makes the reality we live in easier to accept. This theory is the result of several psychological facts that were all combined to come up with a bigger picture that could explain what is happening to me right now.
Studying Psychology has not only led me to a deeper understanding of people, but it has also led me to a deeper understanding of the self. I’m not saying that this is really true since it only came from a theory and as such can be proven otherwise. However, there is still the possibility that what I am saying is indeed what is happening to my unconscious right now.
I guess the issue for me now is how I will be able to handle and cope with all these. Truth be told I have no plans of opening up about this. It is not because I am doing this out of pride but because I want my problems to be my own problems. Other people don’t need to treat my problems as if it were theirs. If I am able to come up with an explanation to my problem, then I can come up with solutions to these problems. I am my own psychologist. This is my own battle where I will fight, stumble and fall BY MYSELF.
Most of the phrases below are thoughts that have been lingering in my mind for the past couple of weeks. A lot of these thoughts have almost made it to Twitter but I have ultimately decided not to tweet them. I am sharing these unspoken thoughts here because I personally hate expressing most of my deepest thoughts in Twitter.
Besides, most of my followers do not know that this side of me exists. My interactions with my followers have been very casual and shallow. Never or rarely do we engage in deep conversations about life so it would seem kinda off if they read these thoughts/tweets.
But you guys do since this is where most of my unexpressed feelings end up. Here goes!
- False hope is easy to define. It’s simply the failure to take into consideration all the facts that are relative to what you are actually hoping for.
- It sucks when you find yourself torn between speaking up and remaining silent.
- The kind of people that we should be most worried about are not the suicidal ones, but the ones who are ambivalent about death. Those who are suicidal ones want to end their lives and they usually succeed but ending their own lives. After that, the suffering ends. Ambivalent people, on the the other hand, also want their suffering to end but they are unable to end their lives because they want to live or because they still value their lives. Because they don’t want to die, their suffering will continue for as long as they live.
- It’s hard when what your mind says and what your heart says contradict each other. Do you follow what you know is right or do you follow what you really want despite the possible consequences?
- One thing I hope to master soon is to determine whether a person is actually listening to you or is just waiting for his/her turn to talk.
- You can’t really take a side when you are in the middle of two warring people. Both of them will be able to share their stories in a way that will make you want to agree with both of them.
- Sometimes we don’t have to remind other people that what they are doing is wrong. This is especially the case when people are already old enough to know the difference between what’s right and wrong.
- It’s easier to disprove than to prove. You can easily disprove that you’re a friend by doing a bad deed but you would have to resort to all sorts of things just to prove to someone that you are a friend.
- I worry about people who gossip to me about their other friends. If they can do that to their other friends, then they can easily gossip about me especially since we are not very close to one another.
- It’s very sad when dry sobs replace the moist tears that used to trickle down your cheeks.
- Life will always go on even if you don’t want it to.
- You only feel that you’re aging unless you think about your age.
- We refuse to let go of both the good and bad memories because these memories helped become the person we are right now.
- It’s tough being around something that you want but can’t have.
- It takes time to build friendship but only seconds to destroy it.
- I don’t know if I’m a great actor at masking my feelings or if people are just really insensitive.
- So many people know a person’s name, but not his/her story so don’t be too quick to judge.
- Tired can be an understatement.
That’s the one word that can accurately describe how I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. I’m not quite sure where this came from but I have a feeling it was a result of several negative experiences (like having your things stolen by a loved one. I’ll talk about this in a future post). Today, I was supposed to watch Mission Impossible with my mom, my aunt and my cousins but I decided to stay at home since I woke up today with a heavy feeling.
Well, we were out yesterday from three in the afternoon until eleven in the evening so I guess you can say I’m probably just tired from yesterday’s activities. But I am pretty sure that’s not it because this has been going on for the past few weeks.
Today, however, was different from the other days. Today I felt extremely tired and listless. My sleep last night was restless and disturbed. I kept waking up feeling as if my body was hot when I didn’t really have a fever. My lower back was unusually painful. My throat was sore from the cold drinks I had so swallowing was laborious. My eyes were also a bit painful whenever I would try to go back to sleep. In the end, I felt as if I had no sleep at all.
It was much worse in the day. The first struggle was to get out of bed. My legs felt as if they were made of cement whenever I would try to rise from bed. I could not do anything but huddle under the sheets for one hour while moaning from the pain in my lower back and throat.
Later my mom would remind me about today’s plans. I guess it worked because I found myself getting up from bed…..and regretting it after. As soon as I got up, I felt nauseated. I had to pause for a few seconds because of a splitting headache.
The second struggle of the day came as I was about to eat breakfast. I was already going down the stairs when I saw one of my cousins and her boyfriend sitting at the sofa. Their eyes were fixed on their phones as I went down. I can only assume that they were there because they wanted to use our wifi (we have a weak wifi).
O-kaaaay, I guess I won’t eat breakfast, I thought as I entered the library.
So yeah. I didn’t eat breakfast anymore because I wanted to eat alone and I didn’t want them to see me eating. I was hoping that I would have some alone time while I ate and occupied myself with different thoughts. Guess not.
For the rest of the day, I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was not in the mood to do anything but to lie around. Even eating was a bit of hard work for me. Every bite felt forced and rushed. I was only eating because I didn’t want to be hungry later. On a normal day, I would savor every bite of my meal. Today was not one of those days.
Everyone soon left after lunch and it was just me and my sister. We were staying in my parents’ room as my sister slept. I, on the other hand, was busy looking for the two H.P. Lovecraft books I bought from the bookstore. I could not find them after searching in every possible place. I even called my mom to ask where she placed them. Apparently she just placed them below a table where most books were placed. It wasn’t there and now I could not find the books.
I gave up searching after half an hour. My mood had turned sour then. I was pissed because of my mom again. Lately she has been the source of my annoyance. From dragging me to a different country WITHOUT my knowledge (I would only find out after she bought my ticket) about this. Honestly it feels as my life is no longer mine anymore.
To cope with what’s happened, I decided to take an afternoon nap because my eyelids were getting heavy, my lower back and joints were aching and my headache was coming back.
And now I’m here. I’m currently listening to songs by Lighthouse Family while typing. I’m still tired and bored. The pain in my eyes is gone but I’m still experiencing pain from my lower back, my joints and my head which has made me more tired than ever. Actually our helper just called me to inform that dinner is ready. I can immediately tell that we’re having chicken curry just by the smell. However, I don’t feel like eating yet. All I really want to do now is to get rid of all the pain, especially in my lower back.
But I don’t know how as I’m currently in a free fall.
As if on cue, his eyes pop open and he realizes that he has finally woken up from his sleep. A sleep that felt as if he simply closed his eyes for five or six hours. There is no feeling of grogginess at all. Just a feeling of alertness.
Despite being awake, he continues to lie on his bed. He knows he has places to go for the day but he doesn’t want to leave his bed just yet. He still wants to remain in the comfort of his bed. He still wants to feel the fabric of the comforter wrapping him in a cocoon. He wants to imagine it as if it were talking to him.
“Don’t worry. I’m here now and I will make sure you are safe and that everything will be okay.”
But he knows he must eventually get out of his paradise. An invisible force beckons to him to rise from his bed and start his day. With a sigh, he forces himself to get up from his bed. The bed protests. It does not want him to go just yet but he does not have a choice.
As he gets up from bed, he instantly begins to feel heavy. The strange thing is that he can’t seem to pinpoint the exact location of that heavy sensation. Nonetheless, he continues to head for the door. The door that would reconnect him to everyone and everything. The world basically. He goes out and steps into the living room.
The world’s greeting is a cruel one. A vision suddenly pops right in front of him. He see a young boy and who is presumably his father seated across each other. The father seems to be teaching something to the young boy but the young boy looks like he could not understand a single thing. This leaves the father greatly frustrated and the young boy can do nothing but bow his head down.
End of vision.
He goes down and discovers that the food has already been served and all that’s left is for him to eat it. He takes a seat and begins consuming his food. In a matter of minutes, he finishes breakfast…but not before getting another vision.
This time, the vision involved four people: the young boy, the father, a woman presumably the mother and a young girl. The young boy and the young girl are eating and are not minding everyone else. The mother and the father, however, appeared to be fighting. The father is in a fit. He seems to have a bad temper because he soon grabs a glass of water and spills it all over the table, drenching the tablecloth. Before leaving the area, he makes a loud bang on the table. The mother, on the other hand, could do nothing but just roll her eyes and sigh.
And again, he shakes off the vision as he prepares to go up.
Upstairs, he sees that his family is still asleep. Because of this, he is careful not to make any sound.
Soon, he is stopped in his tracks because the scenario is changing. The mattresses that were placed on the floor vanished. The master bed began to have more occupants. As his eyes focused, he realizes that the young boy is lying down facedown with the butt slightly exposed. The mother is also there. In fact, she is gazing at the boy and she appears to be saying something in disgust. Out of the blue, the father appears and he was holds a belt. In a matter of seconds, the belt rudely kisses the young boy’s butt and the next thing he hears is the sound of someone crying.
And then the vision just ended. Poof.
Guess it was just another hallucination, he thinks as he makes his way to the bathroom.
In the bathroom, he begins to think of what is to come. What will happen to him and the people around him? Will there be anything new today? How will today’s interactions go? Will his ever awkward personality side take over again? Will he be socially inhibited again for the day? These questions continue to linger in his mind even as he is already on the road.
As he reaches his destination, he begins to feel lighter now and his day officially begins. As he slowly settles into the background, he begins to see everyone. The friends, the acquaintances and the strangers. He settles into his place and begins to blend in with the crowd. It isn’t until the afternoon that he begins to see his true friend. For an hour or two, they talk about all sorts of things ranging from the most general issues like the weather to the most delicate issues such as a breakup.
Later, he encounters another friend but he is not very comfortable being around this person but they are able to talk about different things. This friend of his is quite an open person and he would love to reciprocate the deed. However, something is holding him back from doing so and he realizes that he is afraid that this person may not accept him if he completely shows his whole self. As a result, the rest of the day is quite uneventful and a cloud of awkwardness exists.
In order to temporarily dispel this cloud, he desperately searches for something that can be talked about. Anything just to reduce the tension that was building up in me. It works but as mentioned before, it is short-lived.
Soon, they go their own ways and it is time for him to go home. He is in a bit of a sour mood as his awkward side has resurfaced again.
“What have you done? I thought you wanted to be closer to people? Why are you doing the exact opposite?”
Those are the questions he repeatedly asks himself and he honestly can’t come up with a logical answer. The chance is already there but he seems to be letting it just slip away from him.
Meanwhile, he has reached his house. He opens the door to his house and greet all the occupants in it. Strangely, the heavy feeling has come back and it is preventing him from taking any steps further. Nonetheless, he still manages to make it to his room. As soon as that happens, he feels himself disconnect from the world.
In my mind, he can hear the snap that it makes as his connection to the outside world is temporarily severed. Subsequently, the energy that he had outside begins to seep through his pores. And now he feel myself slowly collapsing until the bed, dying to establish its connection with him, meets my heavy body.
This, however, does not for long because he knows that he has not yet accomplished his to-do list. For the rest of the evening, he gets to work. As motivation, he constantly reminds myself that the time for sleep will come in a few hours. He is only interrupted when dinner is already served.
During dinner, he is asked about a lot of questions. The topics are mostly about what he did today, how his day was and if there was anything significant that happened today. He is not in the mood to answer but he tries his best by answering well and by constantly tying a smile to his face. There really is no choice but to do that since all eyes are on him.
Half an hour later, everyone scatters and begins to mind their own business. His mother goes back to playing games in her phone. It’s that or she watches movies to kill time. His father, meanwhile, goes to their room, lies down on the bed, watches another show , munches on several snacks and starts acting like he is the royal king. From time to time, he calls on anyone who passes by the room for several favors. His sister, on the other hand, is in her room and at the hands of her nanny.
As for him, he remains in his room until 12 midnight. He begins to finish his interrupted work and he does not finish until the said time.
Finally, 12 midnight comes. The time for sleep has arrived and he can’t wait. He will be reunited with his bed and comforter, both of which he missed dearly during the course of the day. In a few minutes, everything is going to be alright again…..for the time being. He wastes no time in entering the room of his parents because it is where their beds are placed.
The room is cold because of the air-conditioning unit. He pauses for a moment to appreciate the cold. Ahhhh. So soothing.
And now the moment he has been waiting for.
He slowly gets into bed and begins to wrap himself around the comforter. Soon, he finds myself lying and staring in the dark. All the negative thoughts, with one major theme, slowly come to his mind.
“I hate this house. I wonder when I’ll be able to leave this place. I’m tired of going to every place and and being able to associate that place with bad memories. I hate the prevailing hypocrisy of everyone in this house. I think I’m gonna snap soon if I don’t get out of here.”
And that’s when he begins to crumble discreetly as he does not want to wake up his sleeping parents and sister from their slumber. The tears finally trickle down his face but he does not feel them at all. For these tears are evaporated tears. Dry sobs continue to rack his body. He continues this for as long as he wants because he realizes that he has already fallen in love with his pain.
He knows he can’t keep grieving forever so he begins to calm himself by thinking of the most special person in his heart and he begins to materialize this person into his comforter. The comforter because it is the closest thing that can grant him comfort, assurance and security. He imagines this person talking to him in soothing tone. This person hugs him and reminds him that all things will come to an end. That his suffering will have its end. Someday.
All these he does in the comfort of his bed and his imagination is the only thing that is capable of temporarily restoring him to his functional self.
Some time later, his imagination works. He is now temporarily relieved and now he is starting to fall asleep. His last thought before finally drifting off is this.
Get ready for the next battle.
They say that you should always take opportunities to meet and get to know other people who come in to your life. Personally, I would have to agree with them even if I really want to say the opposite. People, even if they say they are isolated or disconnected, are social creatures. They can sever their ties from other people but the time will eventually come when they’re gonna have to come out of their shells. No man is an island, after all.
I’m not exactly an outgoing and very social person. If you would judge me just by looking, I think you’d be able to come up with several adjectives which pertain to negative characteristics. I’ve heard a lot actually. Looks unapproachable, snobbish, aloof, cold, distant, bitchy, grumpy. I can’t blame other people for saying that because my default facial expression does seem to portray those characteristics. But these aren’t my traits. If you talk to me, I think you’ll soon see that I’m a very caring person (though I may not show it in the most obvious ways) and quite talkative for a shy person. Once you know me, I tend to open up about the most random topics (from the weather to the philosophical topics).
*The next paragraph will describe my relationship with new people in the past few weeks since I don’t always have urges to withdraw from other people*
For a short time, it’s gonna seem as if I’m developing my friendship with a person. We spend some time and share different kinds of stories with each other. Then abience comes along bearing gifts aka painful memories. They usually arrive when I’m alone in my bedroom lying around and doing nothing. As I’m evaluating my relationships with new people, painful memories such as losing my high school best friend, being an outsider for a whole year, being bullied and those involving people who leave and never return come back to haunt me. When these come back, I sit back and come up with seemingly pessimistic conclusions in life. That’s when I begin to feel as if I have to make a very important decision. What do I do with our friendship? Do I risk it or do I quit while it’s still early?
I’m very tempted to give in to abience. I have been hurt repeatedly by the people whom I treasure dearly. Some people left me and never came back, some people treated me as a friend and then as an outsider later on, some people got into arguments with me and our friendship was never the same after. All these experiences hurt so much and I never want to experience those again from the ones I cherish. If you think of it, these can happen to me and new friends and future friends as well. Well, if that’s gonna happen, might as well get out while I still can before I get hurt all over again. So there. You now know why I have the urge to withdraw from people.
Besides, nothing in life is permanent anyway. These people will eventually evaporate when I get to the outside world. We’ll all eventually have different paths to take and we’ll soon forget each other in a few years. Why not do it now so I can have a lower count of friendships that just died/failed? It will also save me the pain of just losing these people.
However, there’s also a part of me who wants to try and risk it since all friendships begin from scratch. I want my social network to grow and I know backing out easily isn’t the way to do it. My friendship with those I’ve known for years was the result of continuous interactions. If I want friendships to mature real quick, then maybe something is wrong with my perception of how friendships evolve.
But I’m scared. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I say the wrong things? What if they discover my flaws like my insecurities and anger issues? What if they won’t accept me?
And now we go back to the million dollar question: Should I go for it or not?
I’m not so sure myself. 😦 Think you guys can offer me some advice?
We’re all slowly inching towards graduation and here I am looking back on my college years which has been one big roller coaster ride.
It’s been always like this for me. When something is about to end, I take some time and look back at everything that has happened. I went through all the memories: the good ones, the bad ones, the ones worth remembering, the ones I wanted to forget. In the end, I came up with 6 life realizations that summarizes my entire college life.
1. You have to do what makes you happy….
…because people will always find something say no matter what you do. Your generosity could mean that you care for other people but others could perceive your act as a sign of boasting. On the other hand, your assertiveness could mean that you are rude but it can also mean that you just have good communication skills.
BUT you should first know whether what you are going to do is right or wrong. Don’t push through with something if it makes you happy but will hurt others.
2. When you want something, go after it.
You’re not gonna get that A by slacking off in class. You won’t get to meet a lot of friends if you refuse to speak up or if you’re just gonna wait until someone decides to approach you. Your relationship with a person from the other gender won’t go deeper if you keep on treating the other person as only a friend. You’re not gonna get answers to certain matters if you don’t ask questions. You’re not gonna get that highly coveted position in your organization if you don’t make an effort to show others why you deserve that spot. You won’t get to experience once in a lifetime opportunities if you refuse to go out of your comfort zone.
Having a particular goal or dream in mind is great but don’t just let them remain as goals or dreams. Your dreams aren’t gonna become realities on their own.
3. Some friendships just die.
College is an opportunity for you to meet new people and be friends with them. Sometimes, that’s the problem with college. You end up having too many new friends. As a result, you find yourself unable to communicate with all of them. Sure, you’re friends with all of these people on Facebook but you don’t really get to converse with all of them, right? You will have a lot of friends but some will stand out. Usually, those who stand out are the ones whom you will most likely hang out with because you often see them compared to everyone else. Aside from that, you share the same interests compared to everyone else.
And what happens to the rest? Nothing. Your friendship with them isn’t progressing into a deeper level. Don’t worry though because they’re probably hanging out with other sets of friends. You won’t actually notice the lack of communication until you see each other again. And when you see each other, that’s when you may realize that things are different now.
4. Rules are rules.
You can try your best to get the sympathy of authorities but don’t expect them to give you special considerations when you’re in hot water. I’m not saying that these kinds of people are evil. It’s just that their work has them bound to the rules of the institution and not following these rules could put their job in peril. If the rule states that plagiarism merits a failing grade, then you get a failing grade for plagiarism. It’s that simple.
5. Your teachers love you more than you think.
You may not all agree with me on this because of the personal characteristics of a teacher but let’s all put that aside for now, shall we?
Our professors could have chosen not to teach at all. They could have chosen to be writers, musicians, doctors or lawyers. But no. Here they are in our university teaching us about things that we will remember for life (like laws), things that we will be using in our future careers and things that our parents did not teach us when we were young.
Add to that the fact that not much money is earned in teaching and that most of these people could have been better off teaching their own kids.
6. No one goes through college unscathed.
You can stay on top but not all the time. At one point, you will have to fall.
You could get straight A’s in one semester and then get a failing mark in one of your classes after one semester. After getting lucky with the professors from the previous semester, you could have a professor who’s pretty bent on making your life miserable. Your girlfriend/boyfriend since freshman year could break up with you leaving you heartbroken. You could experience being an outcast after a major disagreement between your peers.
For quite some time, you’ll be at the bottom before you find yourself back on top again. Be prepared, however, because it’s a cycle. You will fall down again.
My husband’s grip was quite firm as he led my drunk self out of the bar. The grip was firm enough for me to feel some pain but I chose not to complain anymore. It’s been such a long time since he last touched me intentionally.
With school out, I have found myself often reflecting on my life about a lot of things. In the end, I always come up with something I want to do about my life.
Ex: Throughout my stay in college, I have never been active in any organization so I realized that I should probably change that.
But I am met with contradictions after my initial decision. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on these.
1. Extracurricular activities
As I said, I was never active in any organization because I’m generally uncomfortable with meeting and working with other people. Then it occurred to me. How am I going to survive in the outside world if I don’t have any experience of working with other people?
In our university, it’s not really required that we become active in an organization but I feel like I really need to be in one so that I’d have experience. Currently, you can say that I’m leaning towards ‘Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll find an organization that suits my interest’.
But then something else came to my mind
A friend once said: “These organizations never really work, you know. Why? Because there’s no diversity. You’re all the same people in one organizations. Students. Where’s the diversity in that?”
Every now and then, my dad ihas been asking me when I will start driving. I could only come up with ‘I really don’t know’ because of my fear of driving.
Actually, I’ve already gone to driving school so I already know how to drive but the fear persists. Every time I handle the steering wheel, I feel like I’m putting one foot in the grave. I say this because I’m generally clumsy. I can make mistakes in situations where you won’t expect anything to go wrong. When I’m the one driving, I become so anxious that I sometimes step on the gas, instead of the brakes.
Cue in the contradiction. But hey, I’m a Psych major. I know how to address this phobia of mine (direct exposure, challenge negative thoughts). And besides, I would really need to drive when I find myself a job.
3. Ties with certain people
There are some people I want to forget because of painful memories associated with them. When I’m alone, I deliberate for a long time and eventually decide that it’s probably a good idea if I create some distance (since it can be mentally exhausting if the same mistakes are done to you over and over) between me and the affected person/people.
For some time, I am able to do this until I am confronted about the issue. Pride is lowered, the other side explains and apologies are said. That’s when I begin to crumble. I now find myself rethinking everything. Am I really going to forgive this person after committing the same mistake over and over? Am I going to save our relationship and forget what was done? Am I going to take the risk and face the possibility of getting hurt again?
These questions usually run inside my head for quite some time. The person is valuable to me and I would definitely love to have more memories with the person since not all of the memories are bad. On the other hand, I also have to think for myself and be logical. Yes, the person is valuable but this is the same person who has never seemed to learn from previous experiences. If I don’t sever our ties, we would all be going through the same cycle again and again. We’re friends for several weeks, we fight, we don’t talk for a week and then one decides to approach the other person. Repeat.
These are just some of the things I’ve been reflecting on. I’d love to tell you about the rest but I think I’m being redundant. For each subject matter, it’s basically just this: 1. Reflect on it. 2. Determine the problem. 3. Come up with a solution. 4. A contradiction arises.
I hate this. Sometimes, I wish I were impulsive so that I wouldn’t have to feel as if I’m in the middle of everything. It’s like the feeling when your parents, who are getting a divorce, ask you who you will go with. Will you go with your mother? Or with your father? Eventually, I’m gonna have to decide what I want to do next but I’m not so sure when I’ll be able to decide. It’s quite difficult balancing the pros and cons of each decision.
Okay, I think i have to stop now. Obviously, I’ve done nothing but rant and I think this post is going nowhere as I’m obviously confused and in need of more time to decide. Anyway, thank you for reading/listening.