Sometimes I’m just really tired of living because of the different layers of negativity clamping down on my soul. There’s the complicated dynamics I have with my parents, the frustration I have with my friends and then recently the death of a good friend.
For now, the issue with my friends and the death of one friend are what currently bother me. I am heavily frustrated with the way my friends have been treating me. It feels like I’m not a very significant person in their lives judging from the way things have been turning out. There’s my blockmates aka my first set of friends in college who were in the same course as I am. We were basically together until I had to shift courses. My time with them was greatly reduced and very limited time was spent (like only meeting in the hallways for fleeting moments) and this went all the way up to graduation. I only got to talk to them for a long time only when graduation was done. I met two when we were at a restaurant having lunch. During those times, we talked about current issues like politics before exchanging grad pics with specialized messages. Another one I talked to on Messenger with promises of hanging out after so many years.
I was really happy that I was able to talk to them again and also because I was touched with their specialized messages at the back of their grad pics. In the end, however, I was disappointed not just with these people I met but with everyone. This is mostly due to what I saw on Facebook. Another block mate hosted a graduation party and I found this out only when the party was soon going to take place. Call it low but I was really expecting that I was going to be invited. This guy, after all, was also my friend back in high school. There was no invite yet one of my thesis mates, whom he has known only for the year, was invited.
Another source of my disappointment was from the fact that the promise of hanging out was never fulfilled. I could ask and follow up again but my past experiences with that remind me to do otherwise. It will never push through. In the end, I did not do anything. I just simply let it as it is because she would remember her promise if my time with her really matters. Now that I’m looking at our messages again, I can say that they’re just empty words. Including the specialized messages that they all gave to me because their actions seem to contradict what they said in their messages to me.
There’s also several friends whom I consider close because I have been consistently opening up to them about my secrets and hidden feelings. I often fill them in on what has been going on with my life and now I am beginning to regret doing so. I want my secrets back if I don’t see them doing the same to me. I’m not expecting them to tell me everything but at least give me a general gist of their life. I am, after all, interested to know how they have been doing lately. But there’s none. I know nothing about their lives since they’re not talking to me.
Again, it is so frustrating. The way I regard them as a friend is not the same as to how they regard me as a friend. I am honestly thinking of slowly moving away from them. Truth is I have begun to unfollow their posts on Facebook and I have also begun to turn off chat because I am only going to get hurt and jealous when I see the next post that shows my friends being together. As for the chat messages, I’m turning it off so as to avoid conversations that will simply lead to empty promises. Besides, we are all going different ways now that college is over. I don’t see any reason to be filled in on their lives especially when I won’t be seeing them again.
It’s not that I don’t care about our friendship anymore because truth is I really do. I had always tried to get together with them but somehow the plans end up not pushing through. Common excuses include unavailable due to school work and also due to personal commitments. I don’t blame them for that, okay. I can’t take that away from them but I do believe they can suggest to meet on a different day. I mean you’re not always busy, right? But there were no suggestions. Each conversation I picked up simply ended like “oh sorry I’m busy on that day”. No “but I am free…….are you free on that day?”. Nothing.
And that is why I choose not to do anything this time. Because I know what’s gonna happen. I will get my hopes up and then it will only be crushed later on.And I have had enough of having to go through that. So goodbye, friends. Last week was pretty much our last meetup. You will no longer hear from me except on Twitter. From now on, I will simply be a ghost friend to all of you. You will know I am around but you will never see me nor hear from me.
Thank you for all the memories. It was fun while it lasted.
PS. I will talk about the other issue on a different day. It’s getting late and I have an early class tomorrow. Besides, I don’t want to put in two very different stories in one post since this post will end up being too long.
I was always made to believe that kindness is something that is inherent in people and that they are capable of showing this to others. This is a life teaching that I always brought with me throughout the years which is why I always like to believe that there is somehow a measure of kindness and empathy within the hearts of all kinds of people. This teaching enabled me to extend my patience and tolerate acts which are directed against me and my community. I guess you could say that I was quite an optimist back then.
But this thought, which has been my life mantra practically throughout my life, is slowly being replaced by negativity as I continue to mature. As I grow up, I am continually exposed to the other side of life. The side of life which all my teachers have failed to show me when I was younger. The side which depicts a society that is bent on carrying out their personal interests regardless of whether it is at the expense of other people or not. The side of life that exists behind a overly romanticized portrait of the world where we live. As time goes by, I slowly undergo a process of intellectual reawakening. I am becoming aware that I exist in a world where widely held ideologies don’t match with widely occurring instances. As an example, most countries, if not all, strive to achieve world peace and this can be done if everyone is united with one another. Growing up, however, we are conditioned to believe that all human beings are unique. How then are we supposed to come together as one society if this is contradicted by a belief such as this?
The process of reawakening is quite excruciating. As the days pass by, I continue to be rejected, to be betrayed and to experience negative emotions such as rage, sadness and emptiness. The sources of these come from different people like my parents, my house helpers and even my friends. It feels as if I am trapped in a realm where pain and suffering know no bounds as these continue to occur over and over again at the hands of people whom I treasure deeply. The heaviness in my heart is so immense that I sometimes have to take a few moments to regroup and compose myself. It is a pain that I have never felt anything like before given my inclination to push suppressed feelings into further suppression. Yes, it is that strong.
There are moments when I want to cry but I find that I am unable to do so. It seems as if my tears have run dry and all that’s left is nothing but grief that has evaporated into nothingness. Perhaps it could be due to the fact that I was already aware of society’s true colors but this knowledge had been scraped off my brain as teachers and parents, who in themselves are also immoral in their own ways, attempted to mold me into an overly optimistic person.
This is all water under the bridge now though as I am starting to awaken. I have seen the alter ego of this society as well as its intentions. The phenomenon is comparable to a person being stripped off his/her clothes. Society puts on a variety of clothes in order to mask what is not readily seen by the naked eye. Society attempts to justify their immoral acts in order to avoid labels such as “greedy”, “lustful”, “selfish” or “proud”.
My drive/motivation to be a person for others is slowly diminishing as the scenes of a society characterized by inhumanity continue to play out in front of me. I am inclined to become cold and calculating as I realize that I am going to continue to experience everything: the rejection, the sadness and the emptiness. The need to adopt a cynical and critical view towards humanity arises. After all, why should these people deserve my kindness if they themselves cannot be kind towards me?
Yet there seems to be something holding me back from doing these completely. I realize that doing so would make me no different from the people I have come to abhor. I would only be mimicking the actions of those who have hurt me and I would only be inflicting pain on an unsuspecting person who has no ties with me. I do not want to become that person but I do not want to be the person on the receiving end of all the painful experiences.
As I end this entry, the question of what really is the awakening becomes a central issue to talk about. One can claim that my realization on society being wicked is the awakening after living in a world of good ideals but maladaptive practices. However, I think that the true awakening happened when I realized the implications of my being cold and distant towards society in general. Yes I got hurt but retaliating would make me no better than the rest. It is for this reason that I choose not to return the favor of what everyone involved has done to me.
This does not mean, however, that I will be stoical amidst all this. I will nurse and lick the wounds which have been inflicted by different kinds of people. I will live in solitude and attempt to look at the meaning of these experiences which will hopefully pave the way for the development of resilience towards negative events in life. Finally, I hope to have better resolve in my character which I believe should be equipped with rich knowledge and experience from the past.
Good luck, self. You have a tight task ahead.
A few years ago, one of my professors in my major was talking about the concept of autobiographical memories. Autobiographical memories, to make it short and simple, are like your own personal album. It has all the most significant and powerful information about you and your previous experiences. These memories are so powerful that they affect you in the present moment even if these happened a long time ago. Aside from this, they also help you create your internal sense of self which you use to identify yourself with other people.
Going back to my prof, she gave us an example of an autobiographical memory by sharing a personal story to us. Her son, who was performing in front of a large audience, had a case of stage fright which caused him to commit a mistake. After the performance, her son felt bad and could not get over it. My professor, being a psychologist, knew she had to do something because the performance could be a potential autobiographical memory which could consequently lower his self-esteem.
So what did my professor do? Sugarcoat reality for her son? Nope. She did agree with her son but she was quick to point out that there were other kids who had worse performances. The trick worked. Her son didn’t dwell too much on the issue and got over it. Whenever the topic is brought up, her son is able to remember that experience but he is able to point out that his performance wasn’t so bad. In short, the memory doesn’t affect him negatively.
When I think about that one lecture now, I realize that the words we speak are so powerful that it has the ability to change the meaning/context surrounding an issue and the mood of everyone affected. The words thrown at us can either crush us and put one’s soul to shame or it can heal us and free us from internal suffering. The impact of what is said can be felt across time. It stays with us for the rest of our lives as it is deeply embedded and etched inside our minds.
These words. They either act like a silent doctor or a silent assassin. Their work is not seen by the naked eye. The power of words can go undetected because there are times when they fail to show hints of liberation or oppression. This is the case for those who are stoical. They refuse to show or express what they are feeling. Instead, they choose to keep everything to themselves.
So what do we do now? Be all praises towards one another? The answer is no. The words we speak matter and it’s important to remember that it’s not only approval that can help us maintain a good sense of well-being. There should be room for constructive criticism (not simply criticism!) in order for us to look at areas where we could be better at which ultimately leads us to become better people. As freedom of expression is important, we should voice out our views, our stance and our opinions but only after much consideration. We should consider the T.H.I.N.K. questions before saying something.
- T – Is it true?: What we say should be backed up with evidence which leads other people to agree with you. Not everyone will agree with us but at the very least the argument we want to raise should be based on sound reasoning.
- H – Is it helpful?: What we say should positively affect others.
- I – Is it inspiring?: What we say should push others to become something greater than what they are right now.
- N – Is it necessary?: What we say should arise from something we perceive as a need. This need we see may not be considered a need for other people. However, our ideas may lead these people to look at things at another perspective.
- K – Is it kind?: What we say should come from good intentions.
With this framework in hand, I think a lot of people will be spared from having to deal with emotional pain but do remember that I am a psychologist in the making. Not everything I said may not be absolutely true for you since I am merely speaking from personal experiences. I recounted what I learned from my major classes and reflected on those. I’m just putting this here to share my thoughts. What I can only say with confidence is that there’s work to do for the sake of humanity.
Earlier today I was asked to answer a series of questions which tackled on my mental health. The questions had to be answered on a piece of paper which would be looked at by a physician. When I handed over my answers, my physician was quite surprised with my answer on the first question.
The question read, Are you happy with how your life has been going in general?
Beside it were three choices: Yes, Sometimes and No. I happened to encircle No.
Honestly I was surprised as well. I really don’t recall reading such a question. In my mind back then, that “No” was an answer to a different question. However, that wasn’t the case. On paper, it appeared that I was not at all happy with my life but that is not the thing that surprised me because it is true that I’m really not happy with my life right now. What surprised me is that the answer seemed to have magically come out of nowhere. Again I really don’t remember going through this particular question so it only came as a surprise to me when I saw my physician’s reaction.
So what did I do? Well I didn’t want to lie to myself but I didn’t want to be completely honest either so I ended up saying some factors that contributed to my current state. I mentioned the factors that I was quite willing to share with to my close friends. The other factors (the more internal ones) I chose not to disclose because I didn’t want to reveal myself completely. What for anyway if this whole process is just a screening process that would determine whether I can attend a particular program designed for one of my classes.
This incident really got me thinking a lot and this is what I came up with:
Something deeply embedded into my unconscious self could be trying to make its way into my conscious self. For years I have suppressed all kinds of emotions including happiness, sadness, love, despair, fear and grief which is why I tend to appear blank on the outside. I fear that my unconscious has had enough of all these suppressed emotions so it’s trying to give a signal to the outside world about what really is going inside my head. It’s like my unconscious is taking over and it has begun to cry and plead for help because my conscious self has seemingly become numb from enduring pain after pain after pain.
I do not like to appear as weak and vulnerable but I cannot entirely ignore this theory because I came up with that theory with the help of the knowledge I have with my major subjects. You cannot deny facts because the presence of facts makes the reality we live in easier to accept. This theory is the result of several psychological facts that were all combined to come up with a bigger picture that could explain what is happening to me right now.
Studying Psychology has not only led me to a deeper understanding of people, but it has also led me to a deeper understanding of the self. I’m not saying that this is really true since it only came from a theory and as such can be proven otherwise. However, there is still the possibility that what I am saying is indeed what is happening to my unconscious right now.
I guess the issue for me now is how I will be able to handle and cope with all these. Truth be told I have no plans of opening up about this. It is not because I am doing this out of pride but because I want my problems to be my own problems. Other people don’t need to treat my problems as if it were theirs. If I am able to come up with an explanation to my problem, then I can come up with solutions to these problems. I am my own psychologist. This is my own battle where I will fight, stumble and fall BY MYSELF.
Most of the phrases below are thoughts that have been lingering in my mind for the past couple of weeks. A lot of these thoughts have almost made it to Twitter but I have ultimately decided not to tweet them. I am sharing these unspoken thoughts here because I personally hate expressing most of my deepest thoughts in Twitter.
Besides, most of my followers do not know that this side of me exists. My interactions with my followers have been very casual and shallow. Never or rarely do we engage in deep conversations about life so it would seem kinda off if they read these thoughts/tweets.
But you guys do since this is where most of my unexpressed feelings end up. Here goes!
- False hope is easy to define. It’s simply the failure to take into consideration all the facts that are relative to what you are actually hoping for.
- It sucks when you find yourself torn between speaking up and remaining silent.
- The kind of people that we should be most worried about are not the suicidal ones, but the ones who are ambivalent about death. Those who are suicidal ones want to end their lives and they usually succeed but ending their own lives. After that, the suffering ends. Ambivalent people, on the the other hand, also want their suffering to end but they are unable to end their lives because they want to live or because they still value their lives. Because they don’t want to die, their suffering will continue for as long as they live.
- It’s hard when what your mind says and what your heart says contradict each other. Do you follow what you know is right or do you follow what you really want despite the possible consequences?
- One thing I hope to master soon is to determine whether a person is actually listening to you or is just waiting for his/her turn to talk.
- You can’t really take a side when you are in the middle of two warring people. Both of them will be able to share their stories in a way that will make you want to agree with both of them.
- Sometimes we don’t have to remind other people that what they are doing is wrong. This is especially the case when people are already old enough to know the difference between what’s right and wrong.
- It’s easier to disprove than to prove. You can easily disprove that you’re a friend by doing a bad deed but you would have to resort to all sorts of things just to prove to someone that you are a friend.
- I worry about people who gossip to me about their other friends. If they can do that to their other friends, then they can easily gossip about me especially since we are not very close to one another.
- It’s very sad when dry sobs replace the moist tears that used to trickle down your cheeks.
- Life will always go on even if you don’t want it to.
- You only feel that you’re aging unless you think about your age.
- We refuse to let go of both the good and bad memories because these memories helped become the person we are right now.
- It’s tough being around something that you want but can’t have.
- It takes time to build friendship but only seconds to destroy it.
- I don’t know if I’m a great actor at masking my feelings or if people are just really insensitive.
- So many people know a person’s name, but not his/her story so don’t be too quick to judge.
- Tired can be an understatement.
That’s the one word that can accurately describe how I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. I’m not quite sure where this came from but I have a feeling it was a result of several negative experiences (like having your things stolen by a loved one. I’ll talk about this in a future post). Today, I was supposed to watch Mission Impossible with my mom, my aunt and my cousins but I decided to stay at home since I woke up today with a heavy feeling.
Well, we were out yesterday from three in the afternoon until eleven in the evening so I guess you can say I’m probably just tired from yesterday’s activities. But I am pretty sure that’s not it because this has been going on for the past few weeks.
Today, however, was different from the other days. Today I felt extremely tired and listless. My sleep last night was restless and disturbed. I kept waking up feeling as if my body was hot when I didn’t really have a fever. My lower back was unusually painful. My throat was sore from the cold drinks I had so swallowing was laborious. My eyes were also a bit painful whenever I would try to go back to sleep. In the end, I felt as if I had no sleep at all.
It was much worse in the day. The first struggle was to get out of bed. My legs felt as if they were made of cement whenever I would try to rise from bed. I could not do anything but huddle under the sheets for one hour while moaning from the pain in my lower back and throat.
Later my mom would remind me about today’s plans. I guess it worked because I found myself getting up from bed…..and regretting it after. As soon as I got up, I felt nauseated. I had to pause for a few seconds because of a splitting headache.
The second struggle of the day came as I was about to eat breakfast. I was already going down the stairs when I saw one of my cousins and her boyfriend sitting at the sofa. Their eyes were fixed on their phones as I went down. I can only assume that they were there because they wanted to use our wifi (we have a weak wifi).
O-kaaaay, I guess I won’t eat breakfast, I thought as I entered the library.
So yeah. I didn’t eat breakfast anymore because I wanted to eat alone and I didn’t want them to see me eating. I was hoping that I would have some alone time while I ate and occupied myself with different thoughts. Guess not.
For the rest of the day, I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was not in the mood to do anything but to lie around. Even eating was a bit of hard work for me. Every bite felt forced and rushed. I was only eating because I didn’t want to be hungry later. On a normal day, I would savor every bite of my meal. Today was not one of those days.
Everyone soon left after lunch and it was just me and my sister. We were staying in my parents’ room as my sister slept. I, on the other hand, was busy looking for the two H.P. Lovecraft books I bought from the bookstore. I could not find them after searching in every possible place. I even called my mom to ask where she placed them. Apparently she just placed them below a table where most books were placed. It wasn’t there and now I could not find the books.
I gave up searching after half an hour. My mood had turned sour then. I was pissed because of my mom again. Lately she has been the source of my annoyance. From dragging me to a different country WITHOUT my knowledge (I would only find out after she bought my ticket) about this. Honestly it feels as my life is no longer mine anymore.
To cope with what’s happened, I decided to take an afternoon nap because my eyelids were getting heavy, my lower back and joints were aching and my headache was coming back.
And now I’m here. I’m currently listening to songs by Lighthouse Family while typing. I’m still tired and bored. The pain in my eyes is gone but I’m still experiencing pain from my lower back, my joints and my head which has made me more tired than ever. Actually our helper just called me to inform that dinner is ready. I can immediately tell that we’re having chicken curry just by the smell. However, I don’t feel like eating yet. All I really want to do now is to get rid of all the pain, especially in my lower back.
But I don’t know how as I’m currently in a free fall.